a few thoughts
I really feel like I don't have anything to post right now, so I'll just share a few of my thoughts.
I love springtime! I love seeing green all around, even if it is in the form of the weeds that seem to be taking over my lawn and garden. I'm excited to focus more on photography with all of the new colors and life brought on by spring. I feel like I've made some pretty good progress with my photography, but there is still so much to learn! Thankfully there are classes out there that can help me!
Right now I feel like I'm in a bit of a rut. I've never been in a stage like this and I'm not sure how to handle it. While I feel like I am progressing in some areas of life, I feel stagnant in others. I have never before felt, nor do I now, like I am unemployable. Yet here I am, I can't seem to get a job for the life of me. No one seems interested....sigh. It's like God is telling me to just wait, I'm not supposed to be working right now - but why not?!!?!? I'm not pregnant! I don't have a family! Why can't I have a job right now to help us set up for when we do have kids? What's the point in me just staying home all day when I have no one to stay home with? But then again, why find a job just to quit in 9 months if I do get pregnant this month? But what guarantee is there that I'll get pregnant this month? I can't put my life on hold. Such a quandry!
So for now I choose to focus on my photography. I'll do all I can to succeed in it so that I can have it as a means to extra money now and then. And then there's my masters program. I'm excited to be in school again. I love what I'm learning and think being a school counselor will be so fun. So maybe for now I'll just double up on school and start working in the schools earlier than I expected.
Looking at it now, I guess my greatest frustration with this all is that I'm not pregnant. It's odd to be at a stage in life where I know that's what's supposed to be going on, yet it's not happening. And everywhere I turn, someone else is pregnant with a cute little belly. My friends and cousins that are pregnant are sick right now and maybe not enjoying the pregnancy as much, but what I wouldn't give to have those feelings! How wierd is that? Wishing you were sick...I know. And then there's the whole trying to be sincerely happy for others who are pregnant when you aren't. Telling yourself that you really are happy for them, that their life doesn't have to stop just because yours has, but secretly your heart aches. This clomid plays too much with my emotions!
So I realize I did have a lot to post about. I kind of forgot that I wanted to use this blog as an online journal of my thoughts and feelings, not just for photography. So there it is. My journal entry for the day.
I hope you are all having a great weekend! :)
2 comments:
Well I can totally see where you're coming from, not exactly, but sort of. I am at a time in my life where I think I should have a real life. Not one where we're super poor and going to school. I want to have a house and a yard and a.....LIFE! We keep praying for guidance and for doors to be open but nothing so we stinkin keep going to school. I feel like that's what's "supposed" to be happening and it's not.....life is a mystery isn't it.
So do you do invetro every month? Have the found out specifically the problem or is it unknown? My mom really struggled with not being able to have kids, they waited 7 years and she had the same feelings you're describing. When she finally got pregnant she wore maternity clothes before she even needed them because she was so excited! Oh I have felt awful for you every post that has been a let down and I can't wait to share the joy with you when it finally happens! WHEW I'm writing a BIG comment! I'm glad you're finding so much enjoyment in photography.
Hi Aly...I can imagine some of your frustration, I have a cousin who has been trying for five years and felt all the things that you are feeling. And part of me feels bad that it didn't take too long for us, and now that's all I blog about...I know we are all given our trials for reasons, but I know we all hurt for you because we can imagine that this is one of the hardest, especially feeling stuck because you don't know what to do next. I hope it happens sooner rather than later, and...I don't know what else to say!
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